Letter #1 to my sibling...

Dear aborted sibling,

I’ve decided to begin writing letters to you. I believe that if you were given a chance to live, I would have you to lean on for love and comfort. I believe I would have had you to tell my desires, my hurts, and my frustrations when I could tell no one else. So I’ll tell you anyway even though you are no longer on this earth. First, I’ll give you a brief summary of where I am at in life right now.

I am a 25-year-old college student with the emotional stability of a young teenage girl who has just entered adolescence and puberty. It doesn’t make me happy to admit it, but it’s the truth. I’m like a broken wooden toy that tries to fix itself but becomes more broken in the process, eventually leading to severe damage that only an experienced Carpenter can fix. I have found that Carpenter, but because of my brokenness, I am unable to feel genuine love from Him or anyone else. I was never taught how to feel love or recognize it in its truest form. I am scared to let Him fix me because I know that pieces of myself will have to come apart for me to be put back together correctly. I am afraid of the pain that will come with taking me apart. I wish I could stop being so afraid.

There’s more I could mention about how I got to the disfigured state I’m in, but I’ll just leave it at that… I am broken and helpless. Everything in me aches. When I think back on my life, for some reason it is hard for me to recall the happier memories, although I do know there are many of them. But instead, my mind only wants to remember the pain, the fear, the anger, and all the disappointment that is scattered all over the path I have walked. Looking forward, I can make out some great things in the distance, but I often wonder if they are merely mirages… illusions of a bright future that will disappear as I move closer to them. Or worse… what if they are real, but after I’ve gotten a taste of the happiness they bring, a thief runs by and steals them from me?

My beloved sibling, I am stuck. I’m waist deep in mud, I’m dirty, worn, and cold. Right now I have no strength to get myself unstuck. I’ve called upon God to get me out of this mess, but there is so much dirt in my eyes that I can’t see if He’s coming to my rescue or not yet. There is dirt in my ears, so I cannot hear Him. My arms are held down, so I cannot feel Him. If He is near, I am having trouble sensing His presence. Part of me doesn’t care if I die here. If I do, He will come and carry my lifeless body to a place where I can find rest, love, and comfort. Sometimes this sounds better than continuing on the road I’m on, but I know that if it is His will that I keep going, I must do so with whatever life I have left.

I suppose that is all I have to say for now. I have no doubt that you are happy in heaven, and for that, I am glad. You wouldn’t want to be in this world, anyhow. It’s too dark and cruel. Take it from someone who has lived in it. Rest in peace, my sibling. If you will, please be at the gates waiting for me when I arrive someday. I can’t wait to hug you for the first time. I love you.

Yours truly,

Shay

Introduction

I guess I will start by welcoming whoever may read this to my blog. This is really the first blog I've ever had. I'm more used to social media websites such as MySpace, Facebook, Google + and Twitter so bear with me if things seem a bit awkward with this until I get the hang of it. 

My main reason for starting this up was to be able to give words to my thoughts about life as I have experienced it, spiritual truths, and injustices in the world, particularly abortion and related issues, in a quiet setting where I don't have to read a news feed full of depressing posts about wars, beheadings, and nonsense politics. I'm not saying I don't have political views, as I most certainly do, but over the past few years I have realized that putting too much faith in politics is an invitation for disappointment among many other things. 

I used to call myself a Christian, but now am careful not to use that term. I see too many people claiming this label while completely disregarding the teachings of Christ and horribly twisting the Word of God to fit their own agendas (all believers have their times of straying, their stumbling blocks, weaknesses, and occasional misinterpretations... I am no exception... but this seems to be a permanent state of being for some who call themselves Christians). Therefore, I prefer to think of myself as a Christ-follower... a Jesus freak if you will. While all Christ-followers are Christians, not all Christians are Christ-followers, a very sad reality. 

I am 100% pro-life (anti-abortion, anti-euthanasia). One of the millions of children slaughtered in the United States since abortion was legalized in 1973 was my sibling.

All of that being said, I will give readers some more facts about me some of which would be a good idea to keep in mind if you continue to follow me and others which are totally random and have no real significance:

-I have been clinically diagnosed with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorders, social phobia, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Although no formal diagnoses have been made for obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) and ADD, I do know I suffer from the former and suspect I may also have the latter. I struggle often with these things, but by the grace of a loving God, I always manage to pull through the dark chapters of my life.

-I am what a friend of mine refers to as a "Heinz 57"... I am a mix of several different nationalities... a good old-fashioned mutt. I identify mostly as Italian, however, since that takes the biggest chunk of my whole and my personality, habits, and tastes tend to lean towards what you'd imagine from a typical Italian woman.

-My blood type is A+. What does that mean? It means I'm the highest grade of human and I'm awesome. Yes, I'm kidding about that first conclusion, but as for the second, I am kind of awesome lol.

-My personality type is INFJ. INFJs make up less than 1% of the human population, so it is very rare. This explains why I am so different from everyone else and easily misunderstood. If you look up this personality type, you'll discover that I am not easily fooled, I am friendly to all but only form close bonds with some, I'm passionate about things I believe in and determined to help others.

-I am a young-earth creationist. I trust the book of Genesis to be literal. I once considered the possibility of old-earth creationism, but when I saw that the implications of this theory would essentially mean that death existed before the creation of man (which I know to be false because there was no death or suffering until after the fall), I quickly rejected it as unbiblical.

-I am well-known by friends and family as a true crazy cat lady. I adore cats, always have, always will. I love other animals as well, but none more than cats. I even think they are cute when they are angry and ready to attack. I actually relate better to cats than other humans, go figure.

-I have a great singing voice. Most people have never heard it, though, because I'm too chicken to sing in front of anyone.

That's all I can really think of to say at 5:30 in the morning, so I'll leave off there. Thanks for reading my first blog post. God bless.