Why now?

I read an article today about the effects of abortion on subsequent children. It mentions how emotions influenced by tragic events, including abortion, can be inherited by children of post-abortive parents. I have no idea if this is true or not, since my mother's coerced abortion was never held secret from me... my mother told my sister and I about this when I was still a young child, but something about it does make sense. I've also inherited emotions about my grandfather's murder, which took place long before I was born, and oddly enough happened the exact same year my brother was aborted... merely months afterward. "My parents made me have my baby killed." I don't think I fully comprehended what she was saying at the time, though I knew what death and killing were. She didn't just mention it once, either. Occasionally over the years she'd talk briefly about it, but never in much depth. So I have known this fact for close to 20 years.

As I mentioned in my last post, I suffer from major depression and anxiety, among other things. A lot of this stems from abuse I endured as a child, witnessing domestic violence, and being rejected by friends, boys (both ones who dated me and ones I had just liked who pretended to feel the same way but did not) and family over and over again throughout the years. I don't easily trust people, I often withdraw from communication with people suddenly, sometimes but not always knowing the reason why. As much as I've been affected by the types of trauma I've encountered, I've always felt there was something else that happened that I couldn't remember. For years, I believed it was very likely to be sexual abuse of some kind that I experienced as a child and blocked out. Now, though, that theory is beginning to die out.

I've been active in the online pro-life movement for years now. I always knew that one reason was for my brother's sake, but it has always mostly been as a recognition that individuals whom God Himself created were being dehumanized and slaughtered on a daily basis and needed to be saved... much like how the Jews who endured the Holocaust were dehumanized and slaughtered, needing outsiders to speak up for them and come to their rescue. These were God's chosen people and the bible tells us that as we do to His chosen, so shall it be done to us. Professing Christians in their own community were not coming to their aid, even when they were in church and heard the screams from the trains passing by their churches on Sunday mornings. At a point where it was almost too late, other nations not involved in the atrocity FINALLY stepped in.

There are still "Christian" politicians today who claim we should have minded our own business and not interfered with what was going on in Europe during the Holocaust. But I wonder if they would have felt the same if they'd been reduced to a number in one of those concentration camps. The same ones believe that the states should be in charge of either banning abortion or keeping it legal. Leave it to the states. Let some states keep it legal and we'll focus on saving babies in the states that ban it. I get the idea that possibly, as some states ban it, that may influence others to follow suit. But in a society like the one we are in, with sin and selfishness everywhere, the demand for abortion is very unlikely to disappear. And there will always be people willing to seize that opportunity and perform them legally to reap the financial rewards. 

True, anything is possible with God, and He could change the hearts of everyone in the world on abortion. But as we see the signs of the times, realize, too, that the bible tells us sin is supposed to increase, not decrease. The enemy's time is running short, so God is allowing him to run rampant while he still can. And if the enemy is allowed prevent as many would-be followers of Christ as he can from entering the world, he will take the opportunity. We will not be able to fully stop abortion in any way. But at least by pushing for a federal ban on abortion, we can punish those who dare to perform them illegally. Leaving it to the states does not help. It did not help my sibling. Abortion was still not performed in Connecticut in 1974. So my mom was driven to New York for the abortion. What did the "leaving it to the states" approach do for my aborted sibling and is that truly how God wants us to handle the situation? Yet again, these same politicians are against the death penalty. I'm not exactly for it, but I'm not against it either. The man who murdered my grandfather is sitting in a jail cell for the rest of his life. He took the lives of others and continues to live his. I don't mind the fact that he didn't get the death penalty, but I do mind the fact that he didn't and my sibling did. That doesn't seem fair because one was innocent and the other was guilty. What hypocrites. And they say they are in favor of LIBERTY?! Without the right to life, all other rights are useless.

I've found myself increasingly bitter towards such people, I'm going to admit it straight up. I understand pro-choicers wanting to keep abortion legal, and I even choose to brush off pro-life seculars who don't want to overturn Roe v. Wade. The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom. If they do not fear God, can I expect them to believe any different? They have no wisdom. But a pro-life Christian saying we should not overturn it? That makes me angry... very angry. I have trouble embracing such people. I can only see them as traitors. I pray hard each day that God will help me not to be so resentful towards them because I know these feelings are not an expression of Christ's love. I was forced to ask myself, "What on earth is wrong with me? Why can't I stop being angry about these people?". And beyond the anger, I found that at the root was sadness. A sadness that stretches so deep and pierces my heart to the very core. 

Sure, being a sibling survivor always bothered me, but never to the point of this magnitude of depression. Well, something has changed, and now it does. The hole is wider than it's ever been and stepping back to take a good look at its size has brought me to the reality that this hole is nothing simple than can be boarded up, painted over, and forgotten about. There is something, or rather someone, missing. Someone was taken from me. This is true with my grandfather as well, but in his case, justice was served and the criminal is behind bars now. The community recognized the murder as a tragedy and there was support for my family. But with my brother, the murderer was likely never prosecuted. That abortionist could still be alive out there somewhere, living his or her life as normal. That person was never legally charged or frowned upon for their crime. And half the people you can explain these feelings to will laugh and say, "You're crying over a clump of cells?!" 

Even pro-life "Christians" do not always understand it. To them, it's something you just have to "suck up" and leave in God's hands. That's easy to say when abortion has not affected you and your family. The post-abortive mothers are embraced, the fathers who had no say are embraced. But what about the siblings, the grandparents, the cousins, aunts and uncles? True, we were not directly involved. But we still mourn. But we are overlooked. We are forgotten. And all the while, our heats and souls cry for justice. I'm not saying I want abortionists to be executed. But at the very least, they should be serving heavy prison time.